A Depressed and Lonely Christian
‘It is
enough; now, O Lord, take away my life.’ -1Kg 19
Elijah is depressed. At the very least,
he is in a funk to the point of no longer wanting to be alive.
Like a lot of
mental health sufferers, it seems so illogical to outsiders: didn’t Elijah just have a major victory?
Doesn’t he have a lot to be thankful for? Why isn’t he happy? Sometimes our
internal pains make sense. Sometimes they do not.
We find Elijah under the tree
and he is so disillusioned that he wants to die. Many of us have been there at
least once in life―maybe twice. Maybe more. Few things wound a man like
disillusionment even though we may mentally acknowledge that the removal of our
illusions is good for us.
Our Long Saturdays
I write this on the Saturday
before Easter. Some have called it ‘Long
Saturday’ or ‘Silent Saturday’.
It is the Saturday when the disciples were hurt and confused. The
circumstantial drama of the crucifixion was over. The joy of Easter had not yet
begun. The wound had been delivered. Now they were processing their pain.
Disillusionment is a
particular type of mental suffering. It is the effect of unmet expectations and
disappointments amplified. Sometimes disillusionment is in the form of
circumstances: the ideal job you wanted is not what you thought it would be.
Sometimes it is in the quality of our churches: the people and leadership have
a far more toxic culture than you ever anticipated. And other times it is in a
relationship: a close family member or friend is not there for you in the way
that they promised they would be. They may be suddenly gone. Or, you may realise
the relationship was not at all what you thought it was. That is hard.
We men fall to pieces so
quietly at times. We hurt―but no one knows or understands how. At times, God
allows his men to undergo this baptism of darkness. A minister of a previous
generation once said that before God can use a man mightily, he must first
wound him mightily. Perhaps. Sadly, Elijah’s loner ways have caught up with
him, and there is no one around to encourage or comfort him. He goes through
this valley with no human companionship.
This loneliness seems to be as
much a dynamic in Elijah’s breakdown
as the disillusionment. Elijah tells God twice that ‘I alone am left’. That is not quite true of course. But it is how
we feel at times. Loneliness is a cancer.
It has destroyed far more Christians than homosexuality ever will. This
spectre sneaks up on you and drops a surprise kiss on your soul like a fart
from hell. It festers. Pastors suffer more than most―often unconsciously so. Spiritual
leadership on that level is isolating, especially when most of the people you
serve don’t understand what your job actually entails. Many come to you with
their problems, but who do you go to with yours?
In this book, we focus a lot
on pornography and LGBT ideology. We haven’t said much about the adultery of
pastors even though that has been hugely devastating to many. There are a
couple of reasons for that. The first is that there are currently no
high-profile religious leaders writing books and giving talks about how it is
morally acceptable for a pastor to commit adultery. We are not being asked to
affirm them in their transgression. We all know it is wrong, even though it
happens. If a pastor is found to be having an affair, he is removed. (Unless he
has an affair with another man. Then he is applauded for coming out―depending
on his denomination.)
Lonely Affairs
Pastors do not have affairs
because they are encouraged to by fake teaching. They usually do not even have
them out of lust―most ministers don’t have that level of energy! The majority
of pastors who have had affairs have done so because they are lonely. They have
a lack of healthy friendships, or an unhealthy marriage, or both. This is true
of many Christian men, but especially pastors. For such a man, the affair is
not the primary problem. It is the fake medication for the primary problem. Always
encourage your pastor to take time away from ‘church work’ to invest in healthy
relationships where he can be poured into. Your pastor probably pours out far
more to you and your congregation than he gets poured into.
The author of 1 Kings does not
give us a full report on how Elijah slipped into this unfortunate state. After
all, he had just performed a mighty miracle and won a decisive victory over the
false religious teachers. Many of his countrymen turned to God as a result.
Isn’t the success of revival supposed to make you feel better? He now has fans
and a huge social media following―how
could he be lonely?
If only.
But in spite his victory, this
is where we find Elijah. Everything was building towards the confrontation at
Mt. Carmel. And now it is over. It is a bit like how many people experience the intense build up to
Christmas, only to feel empty once the celebrations are finished. Now Elijah is
left wondering if his greatest moment is past. What else is on life’s radar?
What do we do when the glory is gone and we are left with nothing but good
memories? How long will this darkness last? What is there to live for?
It is impossible to see Easter
morning when you are in Silent Saturday―but it is coming. God is now doing his
silent work in the confusion and the pain. You are treading paths that God’s
men have plodded along for centuries. Keep being faithful. Be obedient to what
God has given you to do. Invest in your relationship with Him and in healthy,
honest relationships with brothers and sisters. God’s grace often comes through
letting other saints speak to us in our vulnerability.
We may think our story in God
has tragically ended. In reality, He’s merely preparing us for the next
chapter.
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