Missionaries Contact Dangerous British Islanders

ROME, 300 AD -

A group of Christian missionaries from the Empire have travelled to the remote British Isles in an effort to spread their Christian faith. As the natives there are well known to be violent and ignorant of outside culture, we cannot speak confidently of their safety at this time.

This group was sent from a church within the Empire in order to ‘Bring Christ and salvation’ to those living on the island of Britannia. But their efforts have not been without criticism from people here in Rome. Maximus, a leading Platonist spokesman, said, ‘These Christians are so eager to impose their beliefs on others. Why not just let the British be? Missionaries? Really! This is the 4th Century for goodness sake!'

Otho, a spokesman for an Epicurean group, stated, ‘I think this is born of some sort of fanatical Christian arrogance. Why do Latins need to travel up north just to tell the British what to believe? I see this as a subtle form of brown supremacy. If white people want to worship frogs, let them.’

One person within Caesar’s household, speaking on condition of anonymity, said ‘Frankly, I’m not sure the Britons are intelligent enough to understand Christian theology. It’s by far the most backwater place our Empire has ever encountered. Christians put a lot of emphasis on their book, but these savages aren’t even literate! It’s a foolish endeavour, Christianity will never take hold in a place like Britain.’

Questions of cultural imposition are being asked here in Rome and some are asking if the Senate should request a military base to by put at Calais to keep fanatical Christian missionaries from travelling again into Britain.

One former soldier who was once on a surveying mission of southern Briton said ‘These primitives run around naked, painting themselves blue, and throwing rocks at each other. The worship trees and rocks and stuff. I don't mean to sound racist, but these white savages are the dumbest people we've ever encountered. The best things for the British is just to leave them alone. What good could bringing Christianity to them possibly do?’

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